Getting over a break-up: The Easy Way!

Before we get into the steps, let’s talk about what happens to your brain when you break up with the person who once had your heart.

It’s difficult right; you could stumble upon a gift they gave you once or a song that always used to make you think of them. Perhaps you find their hair in your bed or car or an item of their clothing underneath your sofa. The list goes on and on! As you are doing your daily rituals, at some point, you can’t help but think of them.

Travis Mcnulty, LMHC, a famous therapist, attested,

“For the duration of your relationship, your monogamous brain has identified this person as your spouse,” McNulty continues. “We’re biologically hardwired to reproduce, so there is a strong biochemical reaction that ensues from seeing your ‘spouse’ that releases powerful neurotransmitters that make us feel good.”

That’s messed up! If I’m reading him correctly, it’s the equivalent of having coffee every day and then, all of a sudden, just quitting it. I bet you’d be going nuts at work trying to get that caffeine hit! Those lovely feel-good chemicals that float around in your cerebral hemisphere are gone. No matter how much you sing, Lizzo’s “Truth Hurts,.” You’ll still be hurting.

So what does this all mean then? Let’s start with the first step…

1. Be Honest with your pain!

The way most people deal with pain in regards to a break up is typically in 4 ways.

A. They’re in complete denial, “They never cared about them anyway!”

B. They try and hump the next thing that’s breathing.

C. They jump on a dating app and try and date the pain away.

D. They start re-hooking up with their ex booty call/friends with benefits.

This process is repeated and repeated, a bad break up after a bad break up! Not one of the choices I explained above featured a description of being honest with yourself.

Look at yourself in the mirror and acknowledge your pain. Your very soul that inhabits your body needs it!

You could be foolish enough to not be honest with yourself and start romanticizing the person coming back. You could spend days imagining them sending you that “I made a mistake” text? Or showing up to your door in the rain declaring their love to you. The harsh reality is, this only happens in the movies. I’m sure it happens, but it’s very much a rarity. Holding on with such a tight superhuman grip believing they’re going to come back only causes you deeper pain.

They ain’t coming back.

You have to acknowledge the pain and draw a realistic conclusion that it’s over. It really is over. It’s important to not fight the pain and give yourself time to mourn the death of a relationship. Failure to acknowledge this stockpiles copious amounts of pain. You might think you’re over it, but that carries over from relationship to relationship until you’re honest with yourself.

Be honest with your emotions. Allow yourself time to be upset and emotional. Don’t confuse being a strong-willed person by ignoring how you really feel. It takes a stronger person to acknowledge a loss and that it might be the way it has to be. The greater strength will always be with honesty and not denial. Denial is not a river in Egypt, trust me.

So be honest…

• With the fact they very well might not come back
• You could be the reason they left!
• You have to work on yourself.
• It was best for you two to part ways.
• They were too abusive.
• Maybe you were the manipulator.
• Perhaps they were too insecure.
• You were both going in different directions.
• Once a cheat is always a cheat?
• You only want monogamy; they don’t.
• You were never really ready for a relationship
• There’s a lot of growing up for you to do

Just be honest with yourself. The sooner you’re honest with yourself, the quicker you can heal!

2. Ask yourself what you could have done better

There’s a tendency to blame the other person when it comes to relationships ending. For example, “He ain’t shit!” or for men, “She was just a hoe.” Or some other hateful words towards the other person. It’s becoming very rare that anyone ever really takes responsibility for things they might have done wrong or things perhaps they could have done better!

One of the best ways to heal isn’t just to allow for hurt, but it’s to self reflect too. Be ferociously raw with yourself and sincerely ask. “What can I have done better?”

Write that shit down! When you make a list of all the things, you feel like you could have done better, it makes you far more excited about the possibilities of a future relationship! You now know the things you have to improve to have a stronger relationship and a better outcome in the future. Even if the person was primarily at fault, there are always internal things you can improve. It’s also really cool because when you write down things you know you have to improve on. It allows you to further decipher who you’ll be more compatible with in the future. So this might seem like an excruciating experience at first, but it works out in the long run.

It’s a win-win, you get to discover some things about yourself. Perhaps you didn’t like the way you were in the last relationship you were in. Deep down, you realize you gotta change it. For example, in a relationship I was once in. She was shit at texting; sometimes I wouldn’t hear from her until 9 hours later or even the next day. But what I realized in self-reflection is that I was very insecure in response to her lack of communication, and it came across terribly. I ended up looking like an idiot. In reality, I’m not like that, but I chose to act crazy and insecure all because of fear. You really have to take all of these things into consideration. This whole process can be very cathartic especially if you’re brave enough to share some of those thoughts with your close friends. You’d be surprised at how many people can relate.

Please, don’t beat yourself up, though if you do something like this for more than a week or two. You start to enter the realm of destroying your own healing process. It’s a tricky line, but I know you can do it! Remember, hindsight is 20/20, so make the best use out of this whole process!

YOU GOT THIS!

3. Get deeper into your passions

What were you working on when you guys were together? Get better at that! Follow your hobbies and passions deeper than you ever have and allow them to help you heal by being submerged in what gives you some of the greatest sense of joy!

I once got into a break up so bad it inspired me to write a frickin’ book, for goodness sake because I wanted to make sure that people didn’t fall into the same heartache I once did.

When you break up with someone, allow yourself to give more time to things you’ve always loved and see how far you can take it. What I mean by that is this, if you paint. Paint more! If you used to upload Youtube videos, do it more. If you used to knit clothes for dogs, knit more and learn more about knitting. Do you see what I’m getting at?

Doing these things and maximizing the hobbies you have and love will allow you to experience a greater sense of self-accomplishment outside of any kind of relationship. It will also embellish your very spirit and personality in the process. All this is not only good for your soul, but it makes you a tantalizing potential boyfriend/girlfriend in the future because you’ve spent so much time working on yourself. These are all huge wins.

So spend more time on your passions! In doing so, you’ll see a stronger fortitude of internal growth than you might not have ever had. That’s another key success and quiet confidence you can gain and maintain!

4. Exercise, Exercise and Exercise some more!

This one might seem like a cliche, but it works. I’m telling you right now, no matter what kind of hardships I WILL go through in life. Having a nice sweat always makes up for that.

When you exercise, it allows you to gravitate towards a more comfortable feeling internally and alleviates any kind of anxiety you might have about your physical appearance. Cause let’s face it, we all have them. Exercising on a consistent 90-day trial schedule can change your whole life! I’m for real, I never quite get how and why people make so many excuses why they can’t exercise. There are only positives to working out. Especially when you break up with someone. Exercising gives you that nice sense of self-control and some kind of discipline in your life. No matter what happens, you can still get a good run in, or a nice pump of iron, or some awesome yoga! Whatever works, harness it and use it to your advantage. Exercise is a natural and emotional pain killer. It defeats any over the counter drug. Exercise creates these intense neurochemicals called endorphins. These are the things you want! Why? Because they create feelings of excitement and happiness. A great sense of well being that is simply achieved by active behaviors for at least 20 minutes. It’s not just exercise, though. This reward portion of your brain is also in conjunction with booze, sex, food, and then some so don’t sleep on exercise!

Aaptiv trainer Jessica Muenster attested that cardio workouts are incredibly energizing once you get past the hard phase of waking up and getting to the gym, the park, and wherever else you plan to exercise, you won’t regret it!

There’s a really cool book called The First Twenty Minutes. In the book, the author Gretchen Reynolds mentions that exercising for just 20 minutes per day. It will allow you to feel happier! Plus, it gives you more energy after a long ass busy 9–5. So start with just 20 minutes! 20 Minutes day, then go from there. Increase where you feel necessary.

So get out there and exercise! I believe this is one of the best and easiest ways to get past a breakup. There is zero psychological effort in exercising apart from getting your ass to the gym!

5. Spend time with Friends

An oldy but a goodie. Spending time with friends is one of the best ways to overcome a break-up. That’s why one of the best tv shows of all time is based on friends! “I’ll be there for you” is in the main chorus, for goodness sake. Good friends are always there. Friends sometimes help cause you have a different kind of relationship than you do with your family. I hardly believe you communicate your sexual escapades with your mum. That’s where friends come in. It’s the same with dating. I don’t usually start telling my family about who I’m dating till it gets serious, and even then, the full details of the relationship are kept to a minimum. Because of this, it means when you go through the break-up, friends will be your best source of venting. Keeping those things bottled up is not remotely healthy.

Most people pay around $200.00 an hour for a therapist. But a good friend. And I mean a good friend, you get that kind of service for free. FREE! So utilize your good friends and be honest and open about your pain. If it feels nerve-racking and gut-wrenching to even solicit help and emotional support from the group. Start with your closest friend and then go from there. But please make sure it’s someone you trust and not a gossip with a hair full of secrets.

Getting out there and socializing with your friends is a positive reminder that life after your ex means friends! Social life! New adventures and a strong, healthy support system. Sometimes when you’re with someone for so long, it’s easy to forget the single life. Be with your friends, get in the groove, and allow yourself to be reminded life is amazing! Regardless of if you’re with someone or not!

You might not want to go out with some friends; you might feel miserable. But when you get back from whatever activity you do. I promise you’ll be so glad you did!

Ultimately! You will get through this. You will move on. It will get better. The greek tragedy that is your love life will blossom into something that you might never have thought possible.

I promise you this. If you follow this steps. You’ll look good, feel good and live good!