Hook-Up Culture Part 2: Why do people do it?

Last week I spoke about how hook-up culture has affected dating. This week I’m going to be talking about why people hook up. I’ll go through why people do it and what the damages and the costs could be.

If you’re trying to figure out what Hook-Up Culture is. Read my last article.

Unfortunately, we live in a day and age where almost everyone is doing it. Because it’s pushed and promoted as the progressive thing to do. Which is highly ironic when you think about it. Hooking up is so mainstream. It would almost be more progressive if you didn’t participate in hookup culture. It would be progressive if you were to respect everyone’s choices and realize that not everyone wants to jump into bed on the first date. These days it’s far easier to find someone to have sex with than it is to be in an actual relationship. This is how far we’ve come.

I digress.

Why do people do it?

Sexual Debt

I’ll never forget the time I went on a work conference trip to vegas and in the evenings we were absolutely shit-faced drunk with other coworkers. There was one in particular who was recently divorced. He was about 41 years old and he and been married since he was 21. When we went to a club he was like a dog on the highest degree of heat you could ever imagine. Grinding on girls as if they were stripper poles. Trying to hit on every female who walked past us and attempting to make out with random women. I was not only shocked. I was embarrassed. Don’t get me wrong, I liked hitting on someone who was giving me clear signals at the bar as much as the next guy. But this dude was sexually possessed. This is what I like to call “Sexual Debt”. It’s essentially when someone has never really had that much sexual experience but when they are finally exploring themselves they go nuts and try and have sex with anyone and everyone. They range from divorcees in their late 30’s to early ’40s who never slept with anyone save their spouse or longtime partner. Or someone who’s only ever had 2–3 long-term relationships and has NEVER really dated.

To Prove themselves

I also like to call this “glow-up sex”. What on earth is that Trey? Glow-up sex is essentially when someone used to be conventionally unattractive. This could be due to them being overweight back in the day, braces, going through bodily enhancement surgery (New Breast, new bum, etc), or someone who got a lot of plastic surgery and now feels far more desirable than they were before. They usually will hook up a lot because they were used to being the “ugly friend” who really didn’t have that many options. Now it’s their turn to be the Instagram model and try and hook up with a lot of people so they can feel attractive finally. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing by any means but if you’re seeking validation off of your looks on the basis of having sex you’re going down a murky path that you might get lost in.

Insecurities

Similar to the glow-up factor of wanting to have multiple sex partners, insecurities are a huge reason as to why people involve themselves in the hook-up culture so much. For men in particular it’s been preached for decades and decades that if you go out and bag multiple women you’re a stud, the cool guy, such a dope ass person. People still promote that ideology as if it’s going out of style. There always is that one guy who can pretty much have sex with everyone he wants. Unfortunately, most of those men only exist in non-fiction and the ones that actually can sleep with every woman they want are very few and far between. After all, there is a matter of consent, and not every person can build sexual chemistry or attraction with every woman they meet no matter how attractive they are. But what about those men who can’t do that? What about those men who do not have the “sexual prowess” as some other men? It means they find themselves insecure and trying to have a notch count of women they have slept with to fill the void of insecurity and nullifying perceived insecurities amongst the competition with other men. For women, it might be trying to get over an ex who constantly said she was fat or unattractive or generally a terrible person so they might be trying to feel good about themselves again.

Sames Goals at the same time

Sometimes people are just not on the same page. No matter how hard they try. The only thing that really connects them is physical chemistry so they continue with that. They’re not really looking for the same things in each other. But the sex is so amazing that they don’t see any particular reason why they shouldn’t. Sounds pretty feasible right? But think about all the men and women they’re both missing out on because they’re hooking up with each other. Unfortunately, those scenarios don’t go anywhere but the situationship trash pile of dead-end relationships.

FOMO

Yo! it’s a legitimate thing when people generally feel like they’re missing out. Could you imagine being a person who has spent most of their life just sleeping with someone they are exclusively dating and all of a sudden one of your friends talks about how she keeps getting a good rogering every other day by two different men? There are some people that generally feel like they’re missing out on multiple sexual partners and they want to be involved. It’s everywhere, TikTok, Instagram, Spotify, and Youtube. Everyone’s talking about hooking up and sex and getting “d****d down”. I’m not surprised there are certain people who feel like they’re missing out. You’re almost made to feel like you’re living in the Stone Age if you’re not down to hook up with someone you think is just hot.

“That’s just how it is”

These days most folks feel like they have to settle for that. “That’s just how dating is these days”. Here’s where it gets tricky. Everyone wants sex. Everyone, so even if someone would rather wait a little longer. You still want to share that moment with that person at the time. So in your mind, you may as well just do it, right? That’s how the current dating zeitgeist is right now. I found myself in this predicament. After being in a pretty terrible situation for almost 3 years. We broke up around 2014. I hadn’t really dated from 2010–2014. So the dating world had completely changed. I would wait to kiss women till the 3rd-4th date. Then be surprised when they ghosted or I didn’t hear back. So then I tried getting intimate early on and it ended up working out slightly better. But not in the long run, cause all it ended up being was physical. But at the time I honestly just thought, “This is just how it is I guess”. But it doesn’t have to be! Unfortunately, I found that out after years of toiling away in the dating wilderness.

The social stigma of NOT hooking up

I’ve been on both sides of this. I’ve looked like a frigid little wanker cause I wasn’t dying to bang anything with a pulse. Then I’ve felt like a choir boy for the few advances I received from women online who asked if I wanted to ”hook up” but that’s just not how I get down anymore. If you voice your opinions about it people try and shame you and claim you’re not “sex-positive” and a prude, simply boring and judging other people. There was a week where I was on the old faithful dating apps. I was talking to 4–5 women and all of them mid-conversation. “Yeah, I’m not really looking to settle down/get serious”. Which is code for I just want to have sex. Which is fine, but for a brief moment in time I was like, “Bloody hell am I the only one looking for something more the sex on here?”. So in some ways sometimes you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. On the opposite end if you give in and try to hook up with someone because that’s the expectation. If you get rejected. You end up looking like you’re just looking to hook up when in reality you were doing what you thought they wanted. You both end up feeling awkward and no one wins. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t, I swear.

Diversifying their dating portfolio

Sometimes people sleep around because they themselves have been used for sexual gratification. Nothing more, nothing less. In order to mitigate that happening to them again. They do the same thing to someone else to make sure they don’t get hurt. “It’s just physical”. As if this somehow deflects them ever really, “catching feelings”. Guess what happens to the person they deflect on…

They either rinse and repeat what happened to them or they stop dating altogether and have a resentful mindset towards the opposite sex based on the actions of one or a few people. Do you see how toxic this can all become? It’s nuts!

You’re young and you have so much life to experience

This is one of the most dangerous things I hear floating around the dating universe. As if to say because you’re young you should maximize your sexual experiences as much as possible. But in the end what happens to the car that has 300,000 plus miles. It goes right to the scrap heap. I’m not suggesting that we all hide indoors and keep our chastity and wear promise rings. But I am suggesting any sexual encounters you have are on your own terms as much as possible. Never bow down to society’s expectations of what you should be doing sexually just because of your age. Do what feels right. Do what feels comfortable for YOU and no one else. The idea that you’re supposed to bang a bunch of people in your 20’s and then settle down is a notion that is now starting to see ugly results. We’ve never had more people single in America than we do right now.

We were wrong.

Just cause we could, doesn’t mean we should have. Because like I always say, the dating universe does not work that way. You don’t get to piss away a real opportunity of love or a genuine authentic romantic connection to have sex. Then when you’re bored of it the dating universe is supposed to provide? Not how it works. How much growth does someone experience from spending nearly a decade of situationships and hookups?

Not a lot.

Vs the person who has experience in relationships, conflict resolution, going through bad times and good times, living arrangements, inter-family conflicts, real-life issues.

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Trey Hamilton

Trey Hamilton

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Author - The First Date Fix - Dating Coach - Content Creator -Dog Dad | follow me for some ramblings of a millennial who has dated. A LOT! TheFirstDateFix.Com