How to avoid Ghosting

The eventual slow fade…

So why are you being ghosted? Is there a way to avoid it?

What’s the deal with ghosting anyway? Why does it happen? What causes it?

Let’s put this into context, there are people who have been on 4 dates only to never hear from that person again. There are people who have been dating for a month then suddenly the person vanishes. Or you might have been with someone for 5 months and they disappear. This is the brutal and often harsh reality of ghosting, no one is impervious.

The enhancements of modern dating technology have made it far easier to just disappear on someone. This callous process has completely sucked the energy out of dating like a vampire on crack. Sucking the life out of anyone and everything. You can’t go on a date without even having a little fraction of ghosting enter the murky corridors of one’s mind.

But let’s go a little deeper with the brief colloquial etymology of the word. “ghosting“ (sometimes known as the “slow fade”) refers to an act that involves one person in the dating equation who ends a relationship by simply vanishing, they have turned into Casper. The ghost does not give an explanation of any sort, leaving the ghosted wondering where he/she went wrong. Not a very pleasant experience, right?

With all these fancy dating apps and social media these days, people are no longer people. They’re transactional. Even upon a 1st or 2nd meeting, that person is still just another number because they originally met on an app-based solely on looks and looks alone. Imagine if you met someone at a bar or even the grocery store you’d still have a chance to be ghosted. Because even though it’s more of an organic meeting, the habits they’ve learned online or by them dating someone with online experience. Those habits and experiences all translate over. That’s just how most of our generation deals with things.

In fact, in a poll conducted by YouGov and The Huffington Post, respondents ages 18–35 were more likely to admit they’ve experienced ghosting on either end than any other age group. Yuck.

Dating is much like going on a bar crawl with friends. You consume as much alcohol (dates) as you can until you realize it’s time to call it a night only to return home exhausted and say. Man, I’ll never do that again.

Silence speaks louder than any words could. If someone doesn’t call or text in a few days. That’s your answer, that’s where you should no longer question and find someone who has enough respect to actually tell you the truth.

These days most people want to save face and rarely wear their hearts on their sleeves. So what’s the male and female expectations in this scenario? Should I call you on the next date? Should you call me? How do you like texts? What’s too much? What’s too little? When will I know you’re not interested and what if I’ve lost interest? How do I let you know? I don’t know a single person who would ask these questions and be upfront. If you don’t want to get ghosted you might have to outline those questions and pepper them throughout dating. Communication. Crazy right? The fewer games you run, the more you might have fun. I didn’t mean to rhyme but it’s true.

On rare occasions, rare. Ghosting can be very healthy.

What!?

Yeah, for real.

Why? You ask. Well, then you know right off the bat. Hell, you’ll never have to wonder if the person isn’t interested or any of that malarky. You’ll just flat out know, cause they vanished anyway. You get all that time back that you might have lost. Getting ghosted early on is a great thing!

But what if you’re already dating or talking to someone? You really like them and you’ll do whatever it takes to avoid being ghosted. I’ll run you through some tips to make sure you can at least see it coming or you both end on very amicable terms without either having to vanish.

1. Ask Questions:

This one’s a gimme, right? When you want to keep the conversation going. Ask questions, I mean specifically when they’re not around I.E texting, phone calls, Snapchat, and Instagram whichever you prefer. You gotta keep the communication going. It could be easy to look at your other options and go with the person who will continually message you even if you ask zero questions back. But what if you actually made an effort to ask some questions back, to be as engaged with them in regards to learning about each other? If you keep asking questions and someone isn’t reciprocating however, there’s your first sign. This means that the person is either socially defunct or they really couldn’t care less about you at all. Either one is shit. Put some positive work into it. It’s very simple, people gravitate towards people who take an interest in, guess what…. Their interests! The more you do this the less likely someone is to ghost!

2. Use some panache:

Whilst I believe game playing to be a genuine nuisance it doesn’t mean you should play your whole hand (Hear me out), especially before you’ve met the person. Don’t always be available to them. You have your own life too. But at the same time don’t be ridiculous. If they’ve messaged you an hour later and you message them an hour later, that’s silly. Do what comes naturally, respond when you genuinely have time. If you’ve been on a date and 4 days have gone by and not one of you suggests a different time to meet. It’s time to take your talents elsewhere to someone who actually has a clue.

Give them the basics of who you are and keep them engaged but don’t give them your life story all on one date. The dating apps and number exchange is the movie trailer. The date is the actual movie. Make sure your movie is a 5-star classic everyone loves to watch.

3. The timing and cadence

How often someone communicates tells you a lot about how much the person is actually interested. The regularity of communicating is a manifestation that they’re thinking about you. If they text you regularly, then it’s a healthy mutual attraction. If however you start to get one-worded answers and they don’t respond on the same day, this is the cowardly and slowly pulling away instead of telling you they’re no longer interested. If you’re initiating all the texts in the relationship, the recipient just isn’t that into you; if you’re not getting any texts back, the recipient isn’t into you at all. Sorry, but I don’t want you to fall into those traps.

4. Be Honest:

Even if it’s a short time of knowing each other. You owe it to them to explain where you’re at. Part of being a good person is communicating your opinions and feelings without making someone feel like complete rubbish. It’s all about approach and delivery. It’s perfectly fine to say, “I’ve enjoyed getting to know you, but I don’t think we should see each other anymore/again”. Now the reaction might not be what you’re looking for, but at least you did it!

No one likes rejection and there’s not a lot of people who handle it with the grace of an angel and there are some other people who handle it like a bull in china shop. But remember if you’re willing to dish out rejection be prepared to get some back too.

5. Clear Expectations: Acknowledge what we want right from the start, if the beginning of your relationship is about texting back and forth and the conversation is fairly benign and short, it lends itself to easy in, easy out scenario. Game playing is for kids. Sometimes you need to be positively direct and figure out what the person wants. If they’re uncomfortable with such a “bold “question. They’re not the one for you. It’s very simple. Kick em’ to the curb.

6. The 48 Hour Process. If they don’t respond or reply within 48 hours cut them off. That way you’re in control. Don’t forget if they couldn’t even communicate their intentions or emotions they are NOT THE PERSON FOR YOU.

7. But what if they come back?

Well if they do, hear them out first, you never know. Lord knows I’ve heard some pretty lame excuses before. If they hit you back after 2–3 weeks you’ve got to cut them loose. I know it sounds harsh right. But consider this, it’s 2020 we have more methods of communication than we ever have had before. Americans on average check their phone 46 times per day!! And yet somehow they couldn’t contact you? Bullshit. Unless they were stuck in a mountain for 2–3 weeks I’m not buying it, and you shouldn’t either. If it’s a guy crawling out from beneath his rock to apologize for ghosting then he might want a `bit of action”. That’s why he’s really coming back. If it’s a lady it probably never worked out with the other guy she ghosted you for.

If there’s one thing I hate its when people give me advice in hindsight. You know, after the fact. But when it comes to ghosting you have no choice, you have to look back and admire the beauty. The more you’re ghosted the closer you get to find out what you really want. Ghosting truly is a double-edged sword. Whatever happens, relax and don’t take it personally. With positive and polite communication I’m sure you’ll put yourself in the best possible way to avoid it. But it’s not completely avoidable. Being ghosted feels like the worst form of rejection on the surface, but if you take a long hard look, it’s only rejection if you begin feeling less confident in yourself. When someone has been ghosted there are questions such as where did I go wrong? The date went perfectly! But if you look closely there are always signs and clues as to where things just didn’t quite add up, how things were set up, communicated to each other and the regularity of communication. Just remember if you haven’t really established a dating relationship or even a relationship, you do not need to ask, “what happened?”, “Is it something you did?”, or look at what things you can do better. It doesn’t mean a damn thing. You’ve probably only known this person for a few weeks. This moron hasn’t even gotten a chance to get to know you well enough to really give you any constructive criticism, fuck em. That flaw remains with them, they haven’t really seen how cool you are and have fled the scene before the detectives even arrive. Trust me you dodged a crazy one. Rejection doesn’t feel good, no matter how emotionally tough you are. It never does. But above all else. Always leave with class, don’t echo your frustrations to them. Maybe have coffee with a friend and air it out.

Don’t worry about it! If you feel like there’s a bunch of things you have to change about yourself just for the person not to ghost you!? Trust me this person is not the one.

Besides ghosting tells a far deeper story of who they are and nothing to do with you. If anything they need to take a good hard look at themselves. Just treat other people the way you’d like to be treated in a dating scenario. The rest will work itself out. Again, if someone really doesn’t have the emotional maturity or give you even a modicum of respect you deserve for giving them your time, they’re not for you and have their own shit to work out first.

Things are far better communicated and birthed naturally through a chance common encounter between a handsome man and a beautiful woman. And remember this experience has saved you from a lifetime of micro disappointments trust me on this one.

I wish you luck. But none of you need it ;)

PS: If you’re a person who ghosts people and expects people to “get the message” maybe consider their feelings. They might be generally worried you’ve died or something.

Share this post ;)