When do you text after a first date?
Last Monday I was talking to a friend about texting back this girl he had gone on a date with and he laughed at me. He said:
Vince: “Dude, are you crazy! You never text a girl after the first date until at least 3 days”
Me: “What!? And who told you that?”
Vince: “Just the rules man”
Me: “Okay, and how’s that worked out for you?”
Vince: “Haha ya know, I do pretty well for myself”
Me: “Hey wanker! That’s not really an answer! I’m for real, how’s it worked out for you?”
Vince: “Meh, it’s hit and miss, to be honest, but I’m not tryna be thirsty”
The conversation continued but ultimately I was perplexed. Had I been doing it wrong the whole time? Do women like being ignored for a few days so I can show I’m not, “Thirsty”. So I decided to do some digging and see if it was only Vince who prescribed to this odd rule.
I wanted to figure out a few things.
- When should I text after a first date?
- What does the 3 days rule REALLY mean
- Does it actually work?
So what is the 3 day rule?
It’s when you text someone you like 3 days after the first date. If you text or call after the 1st date you’re allegedly seen as too eager or as my boy calls it, “Thirsty”. If you text or call on day two it seems too calculated. But the 3rd day is what most people claim to be the sweet spot.
Garbage, Trash and absolute codswallop! IMO.
I believe this means you’re either playing a game with them or you’re not really that interested.
But I decided to spend a week looking into it so you people don’t have to.
The whole notion of following rules for a potential romantic interest has always been such a joke to me. It makes the dating process more like a minefield and you feel like one bad step will get you blown the fuck up. Does that sound good to anyone? You know what kind of conversation I’ve never had…
Friend: “Man I really wish dating was more complicated and there were more arbitrary rules we held ourselves by”.
Me: “Yes me too, I also would like to put more stipulations on how I can find love”
See how contrived this all sounds? We’re literally playing by self-imposed rules. You’ll never be arrested for, “Failing to abide by the 3-day rule”. Yet a lot of people follow this principle as if it’s the law.
Subconscious or conscious mind games are unfortunately things that can’t be avoided when it comes to dating. By showing up even if you don’t buy into dating games the person sitting across the table from you might be all about it. It could be all they know and have experienced. I can lightly relate, I might have taken a little longer to respond to a texts in the past. I was trying to craft the perfect text. I’ve also withheld telling a woman how incredible I thought her smile was just to try and come across as playing it cool. It’s the beginning stages of dating. Those things I just mentioned though are very subtle and don’t really break communication. But there’s something so calculated and ruthless about the 3-day rule to me. Cause it’s NO communication for 3 days. In this day and age, we can get everything quickly, at our doorstep and the exact way we want it. So waiting that long could cause more harm than good.
I find the logic of the “3 Day Rule” a little counter-intuitive.
“I’m interested and want to see you again, to show my pursuance I’ll vanish for 3 days and then hit you up for drinks”
Doesn’t make sense, right?
I’ve heard the arguments.
- The law of scarcity makes someone want you more
- Absence makes the heart grow fonder
- I don’t want to seem too desperate
- I can’t give it all away at first
- I need time to figure out if I like them
- I’m not trying to rush into it
You know what I hear when I read those reasons.
Fear of opening up, fear of being yourself and fear of being rejected.
I got news for ya.
Stop being shook and go for what you want.
The average American is on their phone 44 times a day. If you wait 3 days to respond, whoever you’re reaching out to wasn’t born last week. They know you’re immediately playing games. They’ll start playing games too, thus begins the makings of a future toxic relationship cause games are all you both have.
Here’s the sad part though. So many potential star crossed lovers never even see happiness together cause no one really has a clue when to text after the first date, then it becomes an overthinking process for both parties. But when you essentially have a small computer in your hand with 1000s of methods to communicate the 3 day rule is just as stupid as it sounds.
Here’s a list of ideas and advice with how to text after The First Date:
1. Show Them You’re Interested -
I know what you’re thinking, “Duh”. Yeah but I’m writing this cause so many people are NOT doing it. Show them you like them by communicating you had a good date. Man or woman. It’s 2021 we gotta stop putting the emphasis on the man to follow up after the date. Equality should exist in all facets of life, especially in dating. Consider communicating your feelings like a real-life adult :) When you text them the day of or the next morning it lets the other person know you’re thinking about them.
2. People Have Options -
With access to so much information in the world, everyone has options. And I mean everyone. So because of this alone, when you play these dead end games with people you barely know they’ll soon grow tired of it and seek the other person who didn’t play games. If you hit someone up 3 days after the date and say how much you enjoyed it, your credibility goes out the window. They immediately know you purposefully waited, therefore invalidating the legitimacy of you genuinely seeing them for who they are. Imagine this, you both have a great date. Like a pleb, you wait for 3 days to hit her back. She spends the first two days wondering why you haven’t hit her up and starts to get a little frustrated. But who pops up in her text… Dirty Dick Johny. Her f**ck boy ex who wants to fix it for the 13th time. Or perhaps if this was an online date. Another would be suitor hits her up and is far more consistent with his communication. Then you come along 3 days later, chest puffed out ready to tell her you had a good time. It just doesn’t work. Beyonce wasn’t playing when she spoke about people being irreplaceable. You are all replaceable after the 1st date, men and women. There hasn’t been nearly enough time and attraction built for that person to stay loyal to you alone so don’t act like you have all the time in the world. You don’t. Waiting 3 days will lose your momentum and if she’s a woman worth her salt she won’t wait around…
3. “I don’t want to seem desperate”
Look, if the person you reach out to the same day or the day after to say you had a good date thinks you’re desperate, they’re not for you. Furthermore, they were never really that interested anyway. You’d be surprised the amount of dumb shit you can get away with when people are really, really interested. Trust me, if you feel like the connections there. They’ll really appreciate it. If they’re into you it can only grow from there. Besides if you message them the same day or day after and they seem unenthused you just saved 3 days and emotional energy on someone who saw you as option C.
You’re not option C.
4. “I need time to consider things”
Ah yes, the other argument is people text back after 3 days to think about if this is worth it or not.
It’s the first date, it’s not that remotely deep. At most you spent 90 minutes with them, you honestly shouldn’t know that much. You’re not supposed to wait 3 days and then magically decide this is the person you want to date exclusively. Don’t place an unnecessary heavy weighted burden on that lovely head of yours. In reality, if you two had an awesome time, just ask them out again. You don’t need time to consider anything unless it was a really shit date. If that’s the case texting back isn’t really anything you should worry about.
5. “Why hasn’t HE, text/called me?”
I always have a slight chuckle. When I see these articles or questions on Quora. “Why hasn’t HE called me?”. It’s 2020 and women are still waiting for men to follow up. Can we stop that, please? I think I understand though. Some women want to embrace their femininity and be pursued. There’s an element of romance with it. As a man, I like to do that. However, whenever a woman beats me to the punch and texts me first to say she enjoyed the date I find it incredibly attractive. The sheer courage she’s taken alone to express her feelings is a huge turn on. It means she doesn’t care about social norms and wants to follow her heart. Think of it this way, if a man has taken the time to ask you out, plan, prepare, pay for the date and be nothing but a gentleman if you just sent a quick follow up text (If you are interested) saying how much you enjoyed the date. It makes things a little more equal and he’ll have an easier emphasis to pursue you! So throw caution to the wind, be a little progressive and beat him to the cliched punch!
6. “Okay, so what should I text?”
Here are some quick, non-needy, honest and genuine messages. Please do not copy them verbatim as that negates its sincere nature. Instead, put your own personal flair on it.
- “Hey………, I had a great time with you today!”
- “Had an awesome time tonight, ……… Would love to do it again”
- “Thanks for taking the time to come see me today had a really good time”
- “Tonight was a lot of fun! Thanks again for taking me out”
- “You’re great! I’d like to do this again”
- “I’m really glad we met today”
Please, no one-worded messages. You’re not in high school. A simple sentence will suffice. But if after the first date you say, “Hey” you’re immediately placed into the pile of every other simpleton in the mind of this person.
7. It set’s things up on a bad note
Trust me when I say this, anyone who is a true, high-value quality human will not play into this. So if someone is down for the games it means you’ve already built foundations for failure. Then they respond 3 days later then you respond 4 days later and they respond 5 days later or not at all. Cause you both have egos the size of pluto. Then no one wins and you both end up single and on social media proclaiming, “Men ain’t shit” or, “These hoes ain’t loyal”. Let’s start 2020 on a great note.
The 3 date rule is outdated and should be abolished. But if you are going to have any rules have your own rules of self-respect and decent courtesy of who you think is worth spending time on. Cause you won’t get that time back. Regardless as to how much they’re interested, I wouldn’t waste my time on someone who
A. Buys into that rule
B. Is insecure enough to try it rather than go with their gut instinct of how they feel
C. You’re such a tiny part of their consideration even after you’ve invested a good hour of your time.
What you need is someone who values you the same way you value yourself and gets it the same way you do after the first date. I’m not saying you rush into anything and start buying the wedding dress, but I am saying the right person for you has clairvoyance enough not to buy into those games. You know it and I know it. I’d say just message a couple of hours after the date and if you can’t possibly be that transparent with your interest. Sometime the next day, but please let’s all agree the 3 date rule is garbage and throw it out the window. People horrendously over-analyze text messages enough as it is. Please don’t contribute to that and make things simpler for both of you.
Not a single person on this earth believes that someone is so busy it takes 3 days to respond. Let’s cut the BS follow our hearts and be happy with the person we’re supposed to be with!
Let me know what you guys think down below.