Why you SHOULD get back with your ex…
Disclaimer:
If this person physically abused you, is a criminal, used you purely for sexual purposes, and had other people they were seeing at the same time. Don’t bother. Save yourself some time.
Did I make the right decision? Was this an argument of passion that could have been fixed? Was I brash and far too egotistical to see outside of my own way? Am I too late? What if they’re seeing someone else?
These are questions that can often plague your mind. And for good reason too.
We’re overstimulated with advice, memes, and jokes as to why you shouldn’t get back with your ex, and sometimes even though our friends mean well their opinions are extremely biased and very unobjective. This can often lead to us making a decision that might draw us further from having a solid life partner.
All of these contribute to not really having a fair assessment as to whether the decision you made was truly the right one. In the age of information, we have too much! Most people make decisions and moves based on popular opinion or what the “average” is.
What’s the emotional part and what’s the pragmatic logical part that knows what we truly deserve. You have so many conflicting feelings that it can often feel impossible to decipher the emotional part of your brain from the logical part. Figuring things out in your head is always an arduous task because ultimately nobody is perfect and you can never predict the future.
Time will always be the best way to think and iron out thoughts and emotions within your heart. Sometimes you might have realized you made a huge mistake, sometimes you’ve convinced yourself you didn’t make a mistake, or sometimes you can’t be self-reflective enough to know you might be the problem! None of your close friends or family will really tell you this. Cause they love you. This is not a bad thing. But it’s not always helpful. This is why people seek therapists to give outside opinions. Even then they can’t legally tell you exactly what to do.
What you don’t want to be is that joke of a couple. You know the ones. They break up about 4 times a year and in between trash each other publicly and when they’re back together they’re unbearable. They post these cliched obvious hashtags that at this point are not even niche.
#MyGFisbetterthenyours
#BestBoyFriendEver!
Ugh, cringe.
When should you get back?
Why should you?
What would be the benefits?
How do you do it?
Is it worth it?
All of this will be revealed! I want to try and help you come to a reasonable conclusion that’s both logical and in touch with your emotions. You deserve to be so happy!
1. “If it didn’t work out the first time…”
People always say, “Well if it didn’t work out it didn’t work out for a reason”.
That’s such a widely myopic view, especially with today’s “abundance” mentality where people think real emotions and true connections grow on trees. Because the reasons why it didn’t work out might not have been fully examined and most things can be fixed. For example :
Bad communication — Fixable
Poor sex — Fixable
Out of shape — Fixable
Bad conflict resolution — Fixable
And a litany of other reasons most can be worked out (Besides the ones I referenced at the beginning). Relationships involve two people and if one person wants to fix it and the other doesn’t. It’s a lost cause. But if you both are willing to come back to the table with humility and realize you’re both not perfect a lot of greatness can be built. So are you willing to put in some work?
2.Time is a healer
If you’ve given yourself sufficient time to way out all the pros and the cons. Figured out things that could make it work. Had some deep reflective time. This could go in both of your favors. You could have learned that they were what you wanted all along. You could have gone on some good dates but even then they don’t compare to your ex. There could be a personality match like no other in comparison to your ex.
You could have had time to realize there were things you could have done better. You might have had experiences that allowed you to realize what’s important to you and what you’re willing to work through to be with the person you love. It’s such a wonderful experience to live your life and realize that in fact. You could be wrong. This is why I always caution people to be wary of their close friends’ advice. 9/10 they’ll say you were right and your ex was wrong. So there’s zero chance of healing for you.
Pride is the ultimate destroyer, it sabotages so many relationships and stops the right people from getting back together because they can’t see past their own way. But time will always be the best tool for self-assessment if this is a person you truly think you can grow with. Time is able to loosen the emotional strands of rationality and gift you a different view of how things could have turned out. Time allows you to crawl through a pit of self-indulgence and denial of any faults you might have been responsible for. No matter what anyone tells you there are always two people in a relationship and unless it’s the things I mentioned above you are not without fault.
Time alone, empty space, self-reflection, and activities away from each other should give you adequate freedom to explore things within your own mind. Free from external opinions, friends, family, and anything else that may muddy your mind to what works best for you. Only YOU know what’s best for you.
You might have thought the grass was greener. But ultimately the grass will only be greener where you water, fertilize and cut it on a regular basis. It really is that simple.
Remember that true relationships take work. No, it “shouldn’t be this hard”. But just because something isn’t hard doesn’t mean it doesn’t take work.
3.What was Broken?
Have you learned what was broken? Have you truly figured out what the gaps were that prevented you two from moving past a specific issue?
For example, I look back at a relationship I once had and I can only speak for myself and not her. But I have a good idea from my POV. I just wasn’t emotionally mature enough to have a committed relationship with someone as good as her. I was very selfish and realized that was a large reason for some of the things that were broken with us. Of course, there were some things she could have done better but ultimately I don’t care about that. Cause it’s me who has to fix my own issues so I can have a better relationship next time.
If you can’t pinpoint the specifics of what you’d like to fix you’re basically doomed to keep breaking up and getting back together.
It’s like pulling your hamstring every 3 months. But instead of figuring out how you could have prevented it and going to rehab to get you back into tip-top shape. You just keep running on it again and again till eventually, you’re in crutches.
60% of divorcees who get married again end up divorced yet again! WTF!? Yeah, you think they would have learned the first time. But they didn’t. I’m going to assume they blamed their ex and it was all their exes fault why the marriage didn’t work out. No one told them otherwise and they were not self-reflective enough to see the change they had to do. This is why I always say this to people. If someone constantly trashes their ex, this is a red flag. Why? Because unfortunately, those issues they never worked on in their previous relationship will rub directly on you. Sometimes worse.
Unless you truly dig into your heart and fix issues you have. You’re doomed to go into a vicious cycle of self-sabotage.
I don’t want this for you. I want you to wake up and start making changes today!
4. Don’t just take anyone’s word
Some people are incredibly gifted with a silver tongue. They can talk their way into and out of anything. Lovely and kind words are good. I agree. However, if you both have experienced a lot of damage and heartache you can’t just take their word for it and get back together. You must start dating again and taking a closer look at each other’s actions. Look talk is cheap. People do it at a great length these days and don’t have a lot to back it up. You can be the difference.
They must have clearly taken into account what you both could have done better and actively demonstrate if the changes have truly happened. If they slip a little, that’s okay. No one’s perfect, so long as they acknowledge it and continue to get a little better. I think the sweet spot is around 3 months to see if a change has truly occurred. You must be patient, you must be wise and you must both communicate on a regular basis to make sure you’re on the same page. It might be a little rocky at first, but once you both reach good rhythms it will be better than it was before, I promise.
5. Age
A good friend of mine went to college and broke up with his HS sweetheart.
I’m glad he did.
At the time I found her to be very, very annoying, manipulative, and very much a drama queen. Fast forward about 6 years. We were all at a mutual friend’s birthday dinner and a lot of us hadn’t seen each other since HS.
There she was. Looking like a snack! I remember thinking, “Cor blimey!” If it wasn’t for guy code I’d at least shoot my shot! Unfortunately, the other men from High School didn’t share that same sentiment. They were all over her like a cheap suit. Of course, my friend had already dated her for 3 years so they had that connection. I gave her a hug and saw that she had grown and changed so much.
So did my friend.
A few months later they were in a relationship.
Why?
Age changes everything. There are certain stories, experiences, realizations, and self-reflective moments you can’t help but grow from. That’s the true definition of a great partner, someone who learns and grows for the better.
Of course, not everyone actually changes. However, I have to assume that the people you date are capable of self-reflective growth after a while. So if you happen to bump into them in a few years.
Why not?
6. But what about the memories?
I often laugh at some dramatic break-ups. They post online about how horrible and trash that person is and how they wish they had never met them in the first place. To the rest of us, they sound really corny.
Why?
Cause you dated them for that long. It can’t have been that bad. If it truly was you just look silly now.
Ultimately it’s not true. The good far outweighed the bad for most modern relationships otherwise most people in their right mind wouldn’t put up with it or even be there.
So stop the cap.
Most people never want to admit how much they truly love and care about someone when they break up or else it makes it so much harder and the pain is just that much unbearable, facing the harsh reality of the truth is far more of a mental burden then denying it and pretending that everything is okay. Acknowledgment might be painful but in the long term, it’s good for your soul. Instead, we cling on to bad memories and say dumb shit like, “Well they were trash anyway”. In hopes that this will help us move on.
Holding on to the negative is a sure way of fully burying the possibility of a reunion and denying that at some point it was really good.
So if you’re seriously considering getting back together, focus on all the good things about each other too. What initially got you two together? What allowed you both to be so happy. What were the small things they did that you loved? What were some things that made you admire and simply adore them?
Don’t ever force yourself to fall out of love with someone. You could be missing out on one of the best things of your life.
7. A Word on Loneliness
A lot of people fall back into relationships because they’re lonely and they thought the single life would be amazing and just like all their friends have been promising. Unfortunately, they were not really built for the single life and they might start pining for that security blanket that being with a committed partner felt like.
Avoid this.
Getting back with an ex to try and fill a void that you feel can never be replaced is a recipe for disaster.
You can get back with your ex, sure. But never get back with them because you’re lonely and you feel like you suck at being single.
I understand. Some people just find it really hard living with a lot of alone time and fully embracing the fact that you’ll be doing a lot of things by yourself. This is a good thing though. You’ll learn that fierce sense of independence and inner strength that you can carry into a relationship making you a stronger partner and better off in the long run.
So embrace being single, learn from your mistakes, take a deep hard introspective look as to what makes you happy in a relationship. Think long and hard about your mistakes. Have fun! Do things you’ve never done before and LIVE!
Conclusion:
Ultimately it’s your decision. It always will be. I just want to reinforce that mindset. We listen to too many hard-nosed dating “authorities” who have suffered the bitter pain of trying to make it work with someone again. But because it didn’t work for them, they’re convinced it won’t work for you.
Follow your heart, please. But lean in heavily to an air of pragmatism too. In order to achieve relationship bliss, you must be awake to the amount of effort, work, and sacrifice it will take to get there. Anything else is beneath you.
You’re better than that.
